Vices & Verses

Some of the things I enjoy most don’t do anything for me. Today I deleted a game on my phone that was filling in all the cracks of my time. Felt great.

My computer now has two gigs of memory, after four and a half years of five hundred twelve megs. I will also be installing Snow Leopard and updating all my applications to their latest versions.

Trying to never be second to greet someone I pass by.

Going to the gym every day, even if just to play racquetball, has made me a happier person.

I’m unsure why I’ve insisted that just because ‘things work’ the way they are, my experience wouldn’t be better if I tried doing something new. These new considerations are a small step in what I should have been doing all along.

The same is true during my musical practice time - I need to be assessing what I’ve been doing each day and week, and if it’s not working, or could be better, it’s got to change.

when you glimpse into the future
when you’ve seen it in a dream
you know what’s bound to happen
unsure of any meaning

when you try and change the future
avoid undesirable things
you open doors to chaos
karma now or later, you can never win

when you understand the future
you accept what is to come
instead of change, you brace yourself
to be beautiful as you are

if you can glimpse into the future
not to protest nor to slight
if you are ready, calm, joyful
the moment has no reign on you

you are free.
(though so often you feel lost…)

when I glimpse into the future
when I’ve seen it in a dream
I know what’s bound to happen
unsure of any meaning

when I try and change the future
avoid undesirable things
I open doors to chaos
karma now or later, I can never win

when I understand the future
I accept what is to come
instead of change, I brace myself
to be beautiful as I am

if I can glimpse into the future
not to protest nor to slight
if I am ready, calm, joyful
the moment has no reign on me

I am free.
(though so often I feel lost…)

When I think of risk taking, immediately I imagine planes & parachutes, beer & bicycles, knives and fingers, etc. But with these kinds of risks, the stakes aren’t someones identity and character. They’re just acts. I guess if you do something repeatedly enough times, that you can attribute whatever it is to your personality - like for someone who repeatedly engages in intercourse with strangers on a regular basis, we can then attribute “floozy & tramp” as a part of their personality. If these strangers are of mixed sex, then we now call that person “David Bowie.”

On a less serious note, I think the riskiest things we do are the little ones that fringe outside our comfort zone. The risks that present themselves every day: Conversations with strangers, meeting a boss, using public restrooms, whatever - I don’t know, stuff.

On a personal note, I see a couple things as risks I find difficult to take: performing music for people I love, and conversing with new acquaintances. Do I still do them, yeah, but I always have a lot of adrenaline rushing through me when I do.

Having a tumblr account is a risk, so was starting up my twitter account. I did it because I’ve decided I need to expand my comfort zone. Try new things, taste, smell, feel, hear, and see. It suddenly occurred to me while writing the last sentence that movies are better with popcorn, because it gets all of our senses involved in something. Maybe that’s why dates always involve eating something.

I really don’t know what the hell the point of this all is.

Take risks, I guess.

It seems that every day now, I ask myself, “What the fuck am I doing here?” I never have an answer I really believe in, and though I haven’t always interrogated myself like this, I’m not sure I’d’ve ever been able to answer that question with affirmation before.

What’s the big deal? Do I always need a reason to be doing something? Well, no, not usually. I’m not the kind of person who needs a reason for anything, happy to throw up my sails and let the wind take me for a while, so long as I have extra oars and an emergency supply of food and wares inside the boat in the event that havoc says hello.

I’ll take my cues from what’s around me and observing all its suggestions. Socially, absorbing a person or a place’s personality, then projecting a piece of it as my own. When making decisions, I ask everyone what they might do and then choose which I like best, rather than draw my own conclusions.

It may be that unavoidable bullshit of growing up, but I’m tired of Suggestion looming over me, controlling me. It’s simple science to figure out we weren’t born this way - we created ambition, morals, and how to create and live inside the norm. Is there still Me in all this? If everything that exists belonged to someone before, can I ever call something my own? Are our dreams and ambitions ours at all? Shit.

I’m nearly twenty-three years old. I’m a United States Marine. I’m an educator. I’m a musician. I’m fortunate - privileged even. I’m a nail biter. I’m a friend and a lover, always one before the other. I wear my heart on my sleeve though typically dress in layers. I love the chaos of my life - the uncertainty - I just don’t know what’s right, and if I really give a shit in the first place.